"It takes courage to say yes to rest and play, in a culture where exhaustion is seen as a status symbol" ---Brene Brown
Why do we have such a hard time relaxing or doing nothing in our culture? Sometimes I get asked, “what are you doing this weekend?” Well, I’m probably just going to go grocery shopping and then sit on my back patio watching the birds at the feeder, but sometimes I feel like I should tell them that I’m going to go water-skiing at the lake all day and then stay up late into the night at a party with my 25 closest friends—you know, “doing something”. But that sounds exhausting, not restful!
Many people feel guilty for doing “nothing”, especially women. Many of my clients report that when they’re relaxing, they’re “not doing anything” and it feels wrong somehow. We are so used to running here and there, filling our schedules with activities, and if we aren’t scheduled up, we are wasting time. When our day is scheduled up, we might feel like we’ve accomplished something at the end of the day-but have we? How many times have you been busy all day and not gotten anything done that was really important to you? We also have this idea that we should get all of our work done before relaxing or playing—well when was the last time you got all your work done? There is always going to be something that needs to be done or someone who wants/needs something from us.
Some use being busy to avoid thinking about painful issues in their lives. Many times, a new client will tell me that the only way they are coping with their depression, anxiety, or some other stress is to “stay busy” and “get my mind off of it”. We call this coping skill distraction and it’s not a bad one, but we need more than just that one coping skill. My clients are coming to me because distraction is not helping them with their problem-how could it? It might give you a short rest from the stress, but it doesn’t do anything to fix the issue.
When we’re resting that is “doing something”, it’s resting. Our brains need sleep, but they also need rest. That means spending some time “doing nothing” like watching birds at the bird feeder, or doing a breathing meditation, or reading a book for pleasure.
I help my clients learn to take appropriate rest and enjoyment, and not feel guilty about it. I help them focus on spending their time doing the things that are important to them rather than letting their time be used up with things that aren’t important. And I help them fix the issues that are troubling them so that they don’t need so much busyness and distraction.
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