The one thing that will kill your marriage or relationship faster than anything else-contempt
According to John and Julie Gottman, communicating contempt for your partner is the single best predictor of divorce. What is contempt? The Gottmans define it as verbally attacking your partner with the intent to insult or abuse and as any way of communicating that you are better than your partner. Now you might think contempt is not a problem in your relationship, but here is a list of some behaviors that can convey contempt:
· mocking your partner
· insults that are cloaked as humor
· purposely trying to hurt your partner by "pushing their buttons"
· hurtful sarcasm
· anything that disrespects the partner
How do we avoid using contempt when talking to our partner? You are more likely to say something contemptuous if your anger is very high, so one way to avoid contempt is to calm down. Learning assertive ways of communicating can also lessen contempt. And the Gottmans recommend creating a "culture of appreciation" in your relationship.
If you are having trouble coping with anger or communicating with your partner without contempt, reach out and get some help.
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