When you were first dating your spouse or partner, you paid them a lot of attention. You wanted to learn everything about them, including ways to please them. You paid attention to the things they liked in order to plan a date with them or get them a gift. You paid attention to the things they said so you could learn what’s important to them, hoping it was something that was important to you also. You thought about what you liked about them a lot. You looked forward to seeing them, so you made time in your life for them. You probably did a few activities that you weren’t very interested in just be with them—they probably did the same for you. You couldn’t get enough of them and you thought of the things you like about them many times a day. You probably imagined what it would be like to build a life with them. The feelings that lead to these behaviors in the beginning of a relationship are so easy and automatic-you don’t even have to try. There’s actually a name for this time in a relationship—it’s called limerence. It lasts about 6 months to 2 years into the relationship.
Many movies and TV shows depict the limerence of relationships, but hardly ever show what happens after that time in the relationship. This can lead to the idea that this level of feeling will last throughout the relationship. But as a relationship matures, these excited and attentive feelings can fade over time. We start to pay attention to other things in life---job, kids, chores, etc. We don’t give our partner the attention we used to give them when we were dating. Some people are surprised to learn that those strong feelings don’t last. Some people know that those excited feelings won’t last, and are just resigned to the spark going out of their relationship.
But these are the behaviors that built your relationship, and they can also help rebuild your relationship if/when it becomes troubled. One way to improve your relationship is to start doing those limerence behaviors again.
Here are some recommendations for improving your relationship based on limerence behaviors--
· Carve out time for your partner every day and make it a priority.
· Give them your full attention when they’re talking.
· Do things with them that they like, and ask them to do things you like with you.
· Ask your partner open-ended questions-questions that can’t be answered with just a yes or no—and really listen to the answers.
· Consciously remember what you love about your partner and tell
them!
If your relationship has passed out of the limerence phase and you would like help to get some of those feelings back, get some help.
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